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Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

In honor of Iowa Hate week preceding the Cy-Hawk Series football game between Iowa and Iowa State, and for those not familiar with the many sub-species of hawk fan, I present to you the eight types of Iowa Hawkeye Fans:

The Bandwagon Hawk Fan

This is the largest group of Iowa fans. They are mostly made up of people who don’t really care what team they cheer for (’cause they’ll never get into college anyway) so they head to WalMart, buy a $5 t-shirt, and “ta-da!” instant Hawk fan. They love to paint everything black and yellow (houses and cars included) and can commonly be found in houses like this:

The Tavern Hawk

This is a subset of the bandwagon Hawk fans. Their native habitat is small, dingy bars in small town Iowa. They will talk trash anyone who dares to wear clothing representing other universities. They would vote for Ricky Stansi for president in a heart beat. They are usually nine beers into the night when you talk to them, so they’ll gladly challenge you to a fight if you make one snide remark about Kirk Ferentz, and his son, FreeRentz.

Ed Podolak (Iowa radio analyst and taver Hok) checking out the goods

The Illini Reject

Sad Illinois Reject

Much like the saying, “If you can’t go Greek, go TKE”, for suburban kids in Chicago, they say, “if you can’t get into Illinois, go to Iowa”. They figure that if their ACT and SAT scores can’t get them where they want to go in life, they might was well have fun at the #1 party school in the country. BTW, Iowa State has more in-state students than Iowa and Northern Iowa combined. The Illini reject Iowa fans are partially to blame. Most of the blame can be put on the fact that ISU is just simply a superior school.

The Deranged Farmer

Back in the day when the Iowa fanbase’s huge egos were somewhat justified during the Hayden Fry era, the Midwest was in the middle of huge farm crisis. Fry decided that he could help farmers by putting a piddly little sticker on their helmets that said “ANF” for America Needs Farmers. It was a half-hearted PR attempt at best.

The problem is that some delusional farmers don’t actually realize that the University of Iowa does little else for farmers or the agriculture industry than produce the bankruptcy lawyers they need when their farms go under. Iowa State is the Land Grant institution in the state of Iowa, which by definition means ISU’s mission is to promote agriculture and development through science, education, and extension to Iowans. ISU is a world leader in agricultural research. They have nationally recognized programs in agronomy, animal production, ag business, horticulture, etc. Iowa… not so much.  If you’re a farmer, there’s really no excuse to cheer for Iowa over ISU. Doing so would sort of be like an oil tycoon investing in carbon credits, it just doesn’t make sense. Luckily the fine folks at Wide Right Natty Lite don’t let Iowa get away with their stupid PR stunt. They’ve produced the ISU “AHF” for Actually Helping Farmers.

Ahfshirts_medium

The Panther Hawk

Goes to UNI… Iowa fan when it’s convenient, UNI fan when it’s not. (Exhibit A to go w/ pic below)

Northern Iowa fans, often jealous of people who attend schools with FBS level football, choose to be UNI students by day, and Hawk fans by night. Often their fandom depends on the outlook on the upcoming season. If Iowa basketball is in a slump, they decide to cheer for their Alma Mater. Iowa’s going to the Orange Bowl… they’re all of a sudden Hawk fans. Like bandwagon Hawk fans, Panther Hawks choose their loyalty too, only their loyalty can be bought by wins.

The “Where’s Waldo” Hawk

The Where’s-Waldo Hawk is the Hawk fan that attends some sporting event that has no connection whatsoever to the Iowa Hawkeyes, but they still sport their Hawk clothes, and maybe even a flag like the guy at this Boise State-Virginia Tech game:

Mistaken Steeler Fan

The mistaken Steeler fan is someone who either chooses to cheer for Iowa out of laziness and not wanting to buy a new wardrobe, or legitimately gets confused between seeing Pittsburgh and Iowa on TV.

“I didn’t realized the Steelers play on Saturdays!… And why are they losing to Northwestern?”

The Actual Alum

This is the rarest type of Iowa fan. They move out of state as soon as they graduate because they either 1) aren’t from Iowa to begin with (see Illini Reject), or 2) are too embarrassed to be associated with all of the Bandwagon and Tavern Hawk fans in the state of Iowa.

The rarest of rare Hawkeye fans – sort of like Sasquatch or unicorns.

#BEATIOWA

BTW, if you want more Iowa Jokes, I recommend you read my Iowa Joke post from a few years ago.

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This Saturday is the annual match-up between the Iowa State University Cyclones and the University of Iowa Hawkeyes. Stacy and I are both proud ISU alums, and thus, we hate the Hawkeyes. Many fans of both teams have termed the week leading up to the game “hate week” because of all of the trash talk between the two fan bases. To contribute to the Hawkeye hate, I’ll send you to a post I did in 2010 for Hawkeye jokes. That post is annually my most popular post on this blog.

As an example of the usual discourse of “hate week”, check out this shirt being sold by the comical ISU fan blog called Wide Right and Natty Light:

HATE WEEK BEGINS: Celebrate With A Trolly AHF Shirt!

Which is one of the best “trolling” t-shirts I’ve seen, and an obvious reference to the Hawkeyes’ ANF (America Needs Farmers) stickers:

I’ve always thought those stickers were dumb (coming from a University that doesn’t even have an agriculture program) and were likely just a ploy to get more fans among the Iowa farmers.

Aside from the jokes, I’m predicting a one to two-touchdown win for the Cyclones. I’m also predicting the Iowa fan base (and my two Iowa fan brothers) to look something like this afterwards:

Beat Iowa! GO CYCLONES!

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This Saturday is the final conference matchup between the Nebraska Cornhuskers (formerly known as the Nebraska Bugeaters… yes really, see here) and the Iowa State Cyclones. Cyclone fans, including myself, are a little sore about Nebraska getting all worked up (because they couldn’t beat big, bad Texas) and forgetting 100+ years of tradition for the likes of the Big 10. I was once a Husker fan as a kid. I even cheered for them when they weren’t playing the Cyclones after I enrolled at ISU. Now all I care is that Iowa State gets 6 wins and a second bowl game in Paul Rhoads’ second year, and that Nebraska doesn’t leave the conference with any hardware, i.e. Big 12 North championship and a birth in the Big 12 championship game. Last year ISU beat Nebraska 9-7 with Nebraska giving up 8 forced turnovers. A win for ISU would ensure a bowl game, and a loss for the Bugeaters would diminish their chances at the Big 12 North championship. With that frame of mind, and the popularity of my earlier Hawkeye Jokes post, I present to you some Nebraska Cornhusker jokes.

Enjoy,
Colby

(author’s note: I have many Husker fans in my family. These jokes are only in jest and I fully expect the same in return regarding the Cyclones  – but you’re not allowed to use these jokes back at me by just changing the schools in the joke. By the way, I’ll cheer for Nebraska when the play the Hawkeyes next season.)

Cornhusker Jokes

Why did Nebraska join the Big 10?

Because the Huskers couldn’t count to 10 either!

*****

A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor flaw: She was a Hawkeye and he was a Cyclone. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan. 

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Hawkeye fan.”

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?”

The man sat up, looked around, and said “GO HUSKERS!”

*****
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Nebraska? 

Because if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush.”

*****
How many Nebraska students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 

One, and they get four credits for it.

*****
Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Husker games anymore? 

The student who knew the recipe graduated

*****
A female ISU graduate is on an airplane. A male passenger sits next to her, and immediately begins to shamelessly hit on her. This goes on for half the flight. Finally, during a lull in the conversation, the girl says, “So, you graduated from Nebraska, huh?” 

The man replies in a surprised voice, “Yes, yes I did! How did you know? Was it my wit? My sophistication? My savior faire?”

“Nope,” the girl says. “I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.”

*****
A Texas fan, a Nebraska fan, and an Iowa State fan were out riding horses one day. At one point, the Texas fan pulled out a bottle of expensive bourbon, took a long swig, threw the bottle to the ground, pulled out a pistol and shot it. 

“What are you doing?” asked the Nebraska fan. “That was perfectly good whiskey.”
“In Texas, we have more whiskey than we need,” said the Longhorn fan, “And bottles are cheap.”

They rode along for a while, and the Nebraska fan was thinking. Then he pulled out a bottle of champagne, opened it, took a swig, threw down the bottle, pulled out his pistol and shot the bottle.
“What are you doing?” asked the Cyclone fan. “That was perfectly good champagne.”
“In Nebraska,” said the Husker fan, “We have more champagne than we need, and the bottles are cheap.”

They rode along for a while, and then the Cyclone fan pulled out a bottle of beer, drank the whole thing, put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his pistol and shot the Nebraska fan.
“What are you doing?” asked the Texas fan.

“In Iowa, ” replied the Cyclone fan, “we have more Husker fans than we need, but bottles are worth a nickel a piece.”

*****
Why does all of the corn in Iowa lean to the east? 

Because Nebraska blows and Illinois sucks!

*****
During the battle of Little Big Horn, Custer asked his Indian scout for an assessment.
Scout: Well General I’ve got good news and bad news.
Custer: Give me the bad news first
Scout: There are thousands of Indians here who are well armed. We are virtually surrounded and almost out of ammo. It looks very, very, bleak.
Custer: Oh, that does sound bad, but what is the good news?
Scout: Well, it looks like we won’t have to go back across Nebraska……
*****
This one was only good until 1993 — 

Why did Tom Osborne pour his cereal on a plate?
He lost his bowls.

*****
What’s the best thing to come out of NE? 

I-80

*****
Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Nebraska library? Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours
*****
What’s the best part of Nebraska? 

Dead center; any way you go, you’re leaving.

*****
Breaking News!!!!
Nebraska Football Coach Bo Pelini will only dress 10 players for the ISU/NU game.
The rest can actually dress themselves!
*****
Colorado and Nebraska have decided to merge into one state. Nebraskans gain the mountains, and Colorado gets a football team.
*****
I saw a Nebraska state quarter the other day… It was blank
*****
More Funny Stuff
That’s it for jokes but here are some other funny things on the interwebs:
Cyclone Fanatic message board: Nebraska Look Alike Thread
Lastly, a blog that I follow is called Wide Right and Natty Light. It is a comical look at ISU Cyclone fandom, as a well as a tounge in cheek mockery of the other Big 12 (and former) schools. Here’s their recent Nebraska-related posts:
Lastly, I heard that the HyVee in Ames is selling “Big Red” turnovers in the bakery all week. Hopefully they’re selling them in 8-packs.

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