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Posts Tagged ‘Hawkeyes’

In honor of Iowa Hate week preceding the Cy-Hawk Series football game between Iowa and Iowa State, and for those not familiar with the many sub-species of hawk fan, I present to you the eight types of Iowa Hawkeye Fans:

The Bandwagon Hawk Fan

This is the largest group of Iowa fans. They are mostly made up of people who don’t really care what team they cheer for (’cause they’ll never get into college anyway) so they head to WalMart, buy a $5 t-shirt, and “ta-da!” instant Hawk fan. They love to paint everything black and yellow (houses and cars included) and can commonly be found in houses like this:

The Tavern Hawk

This is a subset of the bandwagon Hawk fans. Their native habitat is small, dingy bars in small town Iowa. They will talk trash anyone who dares to wear clothing representing other universities. They would vote for Ricky Stansi for president in a heart beat. They are usually nine beers into the night when you talk to them, so they’ll gladly challenge you to a fight if you make one snide remark about Kirk Ferentz, and his son, FreeRentz.

Ed Podolak (Iowa radio analyst and taver Hok) checking out the goods

The Illini Reject

Sad Illinois Reject

Much like the saying, “If you can’t go Greek, go TKE”, for suburban kids in Chicago, they say, “if you can’t get into Illinois, go to Iowa”. They figure that if their ACT and SAT scores can’t get them where they want to go in life, they might was well have fun at the #1 party school in the country. BTW, Iowa State has more in-state students than Iowa and Northern Iowa combined. The Illini reject Iowa fans are partially to blame. Most of the blame can be put on the fact that ISU is just simply a superior school.

The Deranged Farmer

Back in the day when the Iowa fanbase’s huge egos were somewhat justified during the Hayden Fry era, the Midwest was in the middle of huge farm crisis. Fry decided that he could help farmers by putting a piddly little sticker on their helmets that said “ANF” for America Needs Farmers. It was a half-hearted PR attempt at best.

The problem is that some delusional farmers don’t actually realize that the University of Iowa does little else for farmers or the agriculture industry than produce the bankruptcy lawyers they need when their farms go under. Iowa State is the Land Grant institution in the state of Iowa, which by definition means ISU’s mission is to promote agriculture and development through science, education, and extension to Iowans. ISU is a world leader in agricultural research. They have nationally recognized programs in agronomy, animal production, ag business, horticulture, etc. Iowa… not so much.  If you’re a farmer, there’s really no excuse to cheer for Iowa over ISU. Doing so would sort of be like an oil tycoon investing in carbon credits, it just doesn’t make sense. Luckily the fine folks at Wide Right Natty Lite don’t let Iowa get away with their stupid PR stunt. They’ve produced the ISU “AHF” for Actually Helping Farmers.

Ahfshirts_medium

The Panther Hawk

Goes to UNI… Iowa fan when it’s convenient, UNI fan when it’s not. (Exhibit A to go w/ pic below)

Northern Iowa fans, often jealous of people who attend schools with FBS level football, choose to be UNI students by day, and Hawk fans by night. Often their fandom depends on the outlook on the upcoming season. If Iowa basketball is in a slump, they decide to cheer for their Alma Mater. Iowa’s going to the Orange Bowl… they’re all of a sudden Hawk fans. Like bandwagon Hawk fans, Panther Hawks choose their loyalty too, only their loyalty can be bought by wins.

The “Where’s Waldo” Hawk

The Where’s-Waldo Hawk is the Hawk fan that attends some sporting event that has no connection whatsoever to the Iowa Hawkeyes, but they still sport their Hawk clothes, and maybe even a flag like the guy at this Boise State-Virginia Tech game:

Mistaken Steeler Fan

The mistaken Steeler fan is someone who either chooses to cheer for Iowa out of laziness and not wanting to buy a new wardrobe, or legitimately gets confused between seeing Pittsburgh and Iowa on TV.

“I didn’t realized the Steelers play on Saturdays!… And why are they losing to Northwestern?”

The Actual Alum

This is the rarest type of Iowa fan. They move out of state as soon as they graduate because they either 1) aren’t from Iowa to begin with (see Illini Reject), or 2) are too embarrassed to be associated with all of the Bandwagon and Tavern Hawk fans in the state of Iowa.

The rarest of rare Hawkeye fans – sort of like Sasquatch or unicorns.

#BEATIOWA

BTW, if you want more Iowa Jokes, I recommend you read my Iowa Joke post from a few years ago.

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This Saturday is the annual match-up between the Iowa State University Cyclones and the University of Iowa Hawkeyes. Stacy and I are both proud ISU alums, and thus, we hate the Hawkeyes. Many fans of both teams have termed the week leading up to the game “hate week” because of all of the trash talk between the two fan bases. To contribute to the Hawkeye hate, I’ll send you to a post I did in 2010 for Hawkeye jokes. That post is annually my most popular post on this blog.

As an example of the usual discourse of “hate week”, check out this shirt being sold by the comical ISU fan blog called Wide Right and Natty Light:

HATE WEEK BEGINS: Celebrate With A Trolly AHF Shirt!

Which is one of the best “trolling” t-shirts I’ve seen, and an obvious reference to the Hawkeyes’ ANF (America Needs Farmers) stickers:

I’ve always thought those stickers were dumb (coming from a University that doesn’t even have an agriculture program) and were likely just a ploy to get more fans among the Iowa farmers.

Aside from the jokes, I’m predicting a one to two-touchdown win for the Cyclones. I’m also predicting the Iowa fan base (and my two Iowa fan brothers) to look something like this afterwards:

Beat Iowa! GO CYCLONES!

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Hawkeye Jokes

A Hawkeye fan, a Cyclone fan, and a Panther Fan are on a beach. They come across a lamp and have to share the three wishes.

The panther fan says “I wish that Kurt Warner to be reveared as a hero in the football world” (this was a few years ago.)

The genie says “Granted!”

The Hawkeye fan buts in and says “I wish that a 100′ wall built around Iowa City to keep all of the cyclone fans out!”

The genie says “Granted!”

The Cyclone fan says “I wish that Iowa City gets a 100′ of rain today!”

The genie says “Granted!”

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What do Cyclone fans and Hawkeye fans have in common?

Neither one went to the University of Iowa!

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First year English class for men’s basketball students:

The professor asks, “What comes right after a sentence?” All in the class raise their hands and shout, “the appeal!”

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Hawks went 14-0 last year!

14 arrests – 0 Convictions!

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What does the average Hawkeye get on his/her SAT?

Drool!

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What’s the difference between Kinnick Stadium and a porcupine?

On a porcupine all the pricks are on the outside…

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Q. What do you call a crime ring in Iowa City?

A. A huddle!

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Q: How do you get to Iowa City from Ames?

A: You go east until you smell it and south until you step in it.

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A family of Iowa football supporters whom have no affiliation with the U of I what-so-ever head out to do some shopping. The son picks up an ISU jersey and tells his mother he’s decided to become a Cyclone fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset, whacks him on the head and says “Go see your father!” Off he goes with the ISU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad, I’ve decided I’m going to be an Iowa State fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine will ever be seen in THAT!” Then the father goes into a rant into the store marching up and down the aisles yelling “Go Hawks” to random people that come by. On their way home the father says I hope you learned something today. The son says yes, I have. “What is it?” his family replied. I’ve only been a Cyclone fan for an hour and I already hate you Hawkeye idiots.

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Q. How many Iowa freshman football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None – that’s a sophomore level course.

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A Hawkeye football player was bragging to a group of girls that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months.

One of the girls said, “You’re proud that it took you *only* three months to finish that?”

The Hawkeye player replied, “Yup, it said 4-6 years on the box!”

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Why doesn’t the University of Iowa have a nativity scene on campus?

They can never find three wise men and a virgin

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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear a good Iowa joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Iowa grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s an Iowa grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s an Iowa grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three f’ing times.”

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Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Iowa. Iowa Who?
Exactly.

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Iowa Basketball.

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What’s the difference between Adrian Clayborn and Iowa Basketball?

Answer: One of them says, “Let’s Be Mad Again” and still can’t beat anyone, and the other says, “Let’s Be Mad Again” and punches a cabbie.

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If there’s any crime being committed in Iowa City and the police are busy, the dispatcher just tells people to take down the jersey number so the cops can get to it later.

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What do you get with a row full of Hawkeye fans at Kinnick Stadium?

A: One full set of teeth!

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What’s the difference between the Skunk River and Kirk Ferentz?

Sometimes the Skunk doesn’t break the banks.

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What is the one thing that happens to both conferences when Nebraska leaves the Big 12 for the Big 10?

An upgrade.

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A Panther fan, a Hawkeye fan, and a Cyclone fan go on an adventure to Egypt. While exploring a pyramid the find a magic cat statue that offers them each a wish.

The Panther fan wishes that the University of Iowa was located on the moon.

The Iowa fan, outraged that the Panther fan would do such a thing, wishes that the University of Northern Iowa was located on Mars.

The magic cat statue turns to the Cyclone fan and tells him to make his wish. Wanting to clarify, the cyclone fan asks the magic cat statue, “So UNI is now on Mars and U of I is on the moon?”
“Yes,” the cat replies.
“Can I just have a coke?”

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A young boy and his grandmother were paying respects to his grandfather at a local cemetery. The boy walked by a headstone that read “Here lays a great Hawkeye football player and a role model to children everywhere.” The little boy looked up to his grandmother and asked “Grandma why did they bury two people in there?”

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Two men get into a car accident trying to pass each other on a narrow bridge. They both get out of their respective cars and realize one is an Iowa fan and the other is an ISU fan. The ISU fan says to the Iowa fan, “Let’s be reasonable – instead of letting our differences get in the way, how about we try to settle our dispute like grown men?” The Iowa fan says, “What a wonderful idea!” The ISU fan says, “in fact, how about we seal our new found understanding?” to which he reaches into his trunk and pulls out a very large bottle of whiskey, opens it, and hands it to the Iowa fan. The Iowa fan says, “Wow, what a misconception – I always thought you ISU fans were awful people, but I couldn’t have been more wrong!” He tips his head back and proceeds to drink half the bottle of whiskey in one, long swig. He hands the bottle back to the ISU fan and says, “Okay, now it’s your turn to seal this friendship.” The ISU fan screws the cap back onto the bottle, tosses the bottle over the bridge, and says, “Hmmmm. No thanks – I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

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Due to recent developments in Iowa City, The Hawkeye football team has decided to follow the honor system.

Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

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What do you say to a Hawkeye in a suit and tie?

Will the defendant please rise?

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What is the difference between a Hawkeye fan and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will quit whining!

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A kindergarten teacher explains to her class that she is an Iowa
Hawkeye. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawkeyes too.

No one really knows what a Hawkeye is, but wanting to be like their teacher
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one
exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher
asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a Hawkeye.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why, I’m a proud Iowa State Cyclone,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen
why she is a Cyclone.

“Well, my mom and dad are Cyclones, so I’m a Cyclone too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your
mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

“Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be a Hawkeye.”

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Why are the Hawkeyes like possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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The only sign of intelligence in Iowa City:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT: For those of you that enjoy this post of Hawkeye Jokes from 2010, you might be interested in a 2013 post called “The Eight Types of Hawkeye Fans”

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