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Posts Tagged ‘AHF’

In honor of Iowa Hate week preceding the Cy-Hawk Series football game between Iowa and Iowa State, and for those not familiar with the many sub-species of hawk fan, I present to you the eight types of Iowa Hawkeye Fans:

The Bandwagon Hawk Fan

This is the largest group of Iowa fans. They are mostly made up of people who don’t really care what team they cheer for (’cause they’ll never get into college anyway) so they head to WalMart, buy a $5 t-shirt, and “ta-da!” instant Hawk fan. They love to paint everything black and yellow (houses and cars included) and can commonly be found in houses like this:

The Tavern Hawk

This is a subset of the bandwagon Hawk fans. Their native habitat is small, dingy bars in small town Iowa. They will talk trash anyone who dares to wear clothing representing other universities. They would vote for Ricky Stansi for president in a heart beat. They are usually nine beers into the night when you talk to them, so they’ll gladly challenge you to a fight if you make one snide remark about Kirk Ferentz, and his son, FreeRentz.

Ed Podolak (Iowa radio analyst and taver Hok) checking out the goods

The Illini Reject

Sad Illinois Reject

Much like the saying, “If you can’t go Greek, go TKE”, for suburban kids in Chicago, they say, “if you can’t get into Illinois, go to Iowa”. They figure that if their ACT and SAT scores can’t get them where they want to go in life, they might was well have fun at the #1 party school in the country. BTW, Iowa State has more in-state students than Iowa and Northern Iowa combined. The Illini reject Iowa fans are partially to blame. Most of the blame can be put on the fact that ISU is just simply a superior school.

The Deranged Farmer

Back in the day when the Iowa fanbase’s huge egos were somewhat justified during the Hayden Fry era, the Midwest was in the middle of huge farm crisis. Fry decided that he could help farmers by putting a piddly little sticker on their helmets that said “ANF” for America Needs Farmers. It was a half-hearted PR attempt at best.

The problem is that some delusional farmers don’t actually realize that the University of Iowa does little else for farmers or the agriculture industry than produce the bankruptcy lawyers they need when their farms go under. Iowa State is the Land Grant institution in the state of Iowa, which by definition means ISU’s mission is to promote agriculture and development through science, education, and extension to Iowans. ISU is a world leader in agricultural research. They have nationally recognized programs in agronomy, animal production, ag business, horticulture, etc. Iowa… not so much.  If you’re a farmer, there’s really no excuse to cheer for Iowa over ISU. Doing so would sort of be like an oil tycoon investing in carbon credits, it just doesn’t make sense. Luckily the fine folks at Wide Right Natty Lite don’t let Iowa get away with their stupid PR stunt. They’ve produced the ISU “AHF” for Actually Helping Farmers.

Ahfshirts_medium

The Panther Hawk

Goes to UNI… Iowa fan when it’s convenient, UNI fan when it’s not. (Exhibit A to go w/ pic below)

Northern Iowa fans, often jealous of people who attend schools with FBS level football, choose to be UNI students by day, and Hawk fans by night. Often their fandom depends on the outlook on the upcoming season. If Iowa basketball is in a slump, they decide to cheer for their Alma Mater. Iowa’s going to the Orange Bowl… they’re all of a sudden Hawk fans. Like bandwagon Hawk fans, Panther Hawks choose their loyalty too, only their loyalty can be bought by wins.

The “Where’s Waldo” Hawk

The Where’s-Waldo Hawk is the Hawk fan that attends some sporting event that has no connection whatsoever to the Iowa Hawkeyes, but they still sport their Hawk clothes, and maybe even a flag like the guy at this Boise State-Virginia Tech game:

Mistaken Steeler Fan

The mistaken Steeler fan is someone who either chooses to cheer for Iowa out of laziness and not wanting to buy a new wardrobe, or legitimately gets confused between seeing Pittsburgh and Iowa on TV.

“I didn’t realized the Steelers play on Saturdays!… And why are they losing to Northwestern?”

The Actual Alum

This is the rarest type of Iowa fan. They move out of state as soon as they graduate because they either 1) aren’t from Iowa to begin with (see Illini Reject), or 2) are too embarrassed to be associated with all of the Bandwagon and Tavern Hawk fans in the state of Iowa.

The rarest of rare Hawkeye fans – sort of like Sasquatch or unicorns.

#BEATIOWA

BTW, if you want more Iowa Jokes, I recommend you read my Iowa Joke post from a few years ago.

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